Promises to myself

H ave you ever made a promise to yourself? Or pleads? And how many times have you follow through with them? Why is it so hard to do the things we told ourselves we wanted to do. Why don’t we hold ourselves accountable? It’s a lot easier to expect other people to. I think it turns out that this too is a habit, allowing ourselves to fail in our own eyes. When we say we are going to do something, even if it’s not out loud, sometimes we write those promises/ goals down, sometimes we keep them in our minds but nonetheless we don’t do it. We fall short, stop halfway, and tell ourselves is ok to stop. But is it?

4CFB4E0B-D3D4-40BD-BE06-CDA88702D9FD.JPG

Do this many times over, and we create a pattern of not doing what we say we will. Does that take away the value of our word? How can we even trust ourselves if we don’t have to stick to our own plans? I’m trying to stay more conscious of the things I tell myself. If I say I won’t eat a snack after dinner, then I can’t. I don’t want to allow myself to always “change my mind”, which is a different way to say, I’m weak and I can’t keep promises. I want to keep them, I want my words to mean something. That does require more thinking and better choices, but that’s fair. Next time we say we are going to do something, even if nobody knows about it, let’s stick to it all the way. After all, we will always know.

Thanks for reading.

B.

My digital detox

I am currently in the middle of my digital detox week. Yes, I’m still using the computer here and there, mostly for work and writing. My goal was to mainly take a break from my phone and tv. Two things that consume my time and that I no longer wanted to be addicted to. It’s been at the same time easier and harder than I thought. Since we are pretty much at the mid point of the year I naturally started to reflect on what those past six months looked like. And I didn’t like what I saw.

31C35072-E9DC-495B-B63F-3D35A99C7724.JPG

I felt messy, overwhelmed, busy and unproductive for most of the year. It seemed like I was jumping from one thing to another, unfocused and stressed. The house was pretty organized, my schedule too, but something wasn’t, my mind. So many thoughts per second, it was hard to feel at easy, at peace.

Peace of mind is something that I have recently started to take more seriously, I’m still trying to understand what it really means. I’m still far away from reaching true peace of mind, but the closer I get, the more I want it. I realize that are many steps to take to feel more at ease. Yes the space around me matters a lot, yes meditation and yoga helps, yes journaling too. But there was something bothering me. Noise. So much noise. Information everywhere, people’s opinion, people’s suggestions… why was I judging my own decisions so much? And I came to understand that it was because I was comparing myself too much. I was also filling in all the in between with more information. At meal time I wasn’t just eating, I was consuming information. During every spare moment I had, I was either reading, listening or watching. It didn’t even matter that they were “good” content.

Podcasts, audiobooks, documentaries… yes they can be great, but they can also be too much. I don’t want to continue the daily habit of watching TV or being entertained. It’s hard for most people to imagine life without their phones and tv now. When was the last time you went an entire day without either of them? For me, I don’t even know if I had ever gone a single day. Of course I was overwhelmed. It’s impossible not to when so much noise was filling my brain. Songs, conversations, lines, tips, etc… all going on repeat in my brain. It’s not like my own mind doesn’t produce enough of it.

The first few days I didn’t notice a difference, it was just an inconvenience not having my phone near me. But yesterday I truly saw a difference. Being able to eat at the table, go to bed in time, stay present when playing with my dog, actually looking at my surrounds when walking outside, painting without having to pause, and so much reading time. It’s been quite wonderful, and I’m not even able to explain why yet. It’s like a veil has been lifted and the real world is starting to appear before my eyes. Was I always that distracted?

I have a few more days to go but I know I won’t be introducing those habits back in, not daily. I even convinced my husband to get rid of our living room TV, leaving now only the one in the basement. I want to have a designated room for it and watch at designated days of the month. No more daily watching for me. I want more mind space, space to breath, to actually feel free. I will continue to report on the progress and challenges.

Thanks for reading.

B.

The Listening Habit

C hoosing to consume content by listening to it instead of reading isn’t new, people used to listen to the radio, I had a teacher play audio books in middle school and of course, we all loved a good bedtime story. But then it stopped being so popular, visual methods took over, screens became everyone’s favorite method. And then we got too busy to just watch our content, we started multitasking since our phones became so mobile (like the mini radios), and we started to listen while driving, cleaning, organizing, walking, running, etc. Music wasn’t enough, with the rise of the self help industry (now sometimes being called self growth), we are all thirsty for information and time, hence the perfect combination, we can listen while doing another activity. I’m a huge fan of audiobooks, I listen to them all the time. And podcasts too. But just like with video, the abundance of content now available can be quite distracting.

Photo by AlphaColor

Photo by AlphaColor

It’s impossible to listen to everything, we must be selective, don’t let it overwhelm you or take over every time you have, leave space for thinking, for breathing, for living with your own thoughts or better, with your own breath. It’s easy to fill every minute we have with other people’s voices, it’s easier than dealing with our own, or even harder, the silence. But it’s so important to do so. The busier we get, the more we need to sit still. On that note, here is my latest interview - You can find all my interviews by typing BRUNA MEBS on any podcast app.

Thanks for reading. (or listening)

B.

Commercial and Personal Work

I It’s hard to believe it’s already the middle of May. I know everyone says and thinks that time goes by so fast. Looking back to what I have accomplished so far this year makes me a little upset. I have to confess I’m not quite as proud of myself. I have let my days be filled with mostly client work and making plans. I’m happy to have had all the customers and clients but I didn’t manage this very well. Every time I had either a break or a little time off, I spent on trying new techniques, overthinking where my work was going, analyzing what kind of work I even want to create, what is worth the time, and very little work actually got finished. It’s been a year of a lot of thinking and not as much doing as I would have hoped. Maybe it’s because I turned 30 and an existential crisis was about to happen, but mostly I find myself with less and less time to create whatever I want. And because I know that time is so precious, it needs to be spent right.

Photo by Cristina Byrne

Photo by Cristina Byrne

There are a lot of different things I could be doing, I have lot of ideas for different projects, but which ones are the essentials? the ones I can’t live without, the ones with the best chance of increasing my income and my happiness at the same time? Pretty tough to figure out. I still haven’t. I feel like I’m getting closer but I’m not there yet. Will I ever get there? I got to balance my plans with actions, or this could end up being a regretful year. I need a constant reminder that every plan needs to be followed by an action, or things will never be done. I told myself it’s ok to plan, journal, research and test all I want past 5pm, but until then, I need to be all about action. While I figure out what I want to be known for, what kind of work I need to spend my time creating, I’m also very thankful I have all the clients that have recently found me and are keeping me busy and productive. Why is balance so hard to achieve? Perhaps because it’s not even possible?

Thanks for reading.

B.

Seasons

I often hear people talk about focus like people are simple beings. Wouldn’t it be great if we only loved one thing, one person, one activity, wouldn’t life be so much simpler? But the difficulty lies in loving many. Most of us have many interests and things we would like to do, in order to become a master in something you must choose, so they say. By saying yes to only one thing, we are saying no to everything else. People do that when they get married, but how many actually do stay married? Nowadays people don’t even stay still in the same state they live. People change, learn, evolve, mature, and with that, their passions and desires change too. I have changed so much.

Photo by Anthony Delanoix

Photo by Anthony Delanoix

The path isn’t linear, not for most of us. It requires us to deviate many times, to try, experiment and taste first. We dabble with something as a kid, then something else as a teen, we graduate in one subject to then find out we don’t want that, we try something else. The constant search is part of being human. If we were born with everything figure out, what would be the point? That’s what machines are for. They are created for one thing, and they do that thing. I think we are meant to do more. And because of that, I agree with the quote “there are seasons for everything”. A season we tried painting, a season we tried sports, a season we wanted to be lawyers, a season we want to raise our children, etc.. living life one season at a time is the happy middle, in my opinion. Focus each season in doing what matter most, but remember, it’s ok to change. If perhaps you do find something you love, that you never want to let go, hold on dear to it, but keep in mind, nothing stays still. And I promise I’m not going to say “winter is coming” :)

Thanks for reading.

B.

Even seasonal situations can bring with them lessons that last a lifetime. If the love doesn’t last, it prepares you for the one that will.
— Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass