I have been reflecting on how much I have changed since I was a kid. And even though in some parts I changed for better (I’m more responsible, less materialistic and healthier), some parts of me changed for worst. I used to be a brave kid, ready to change the world, and I actually believed I could. I was so hopeful, or maybe just naive. I thought if I worked hard I could make a difference. I signed up for any volunteer opportunity I could find, I helped teaching kids in public schools (in Brazil public schools are unfortunately pretty bad), I helped doctors go through the favelas and take people’s blood pleasure, I helped kids in orphanages do their homework, I bought hygiene essentials to give away to homeless people… I would actually do the things I thought should be done. I thought I could make a difference. If a project in school wasn’t going as I thought it should (like dance shows, game week…) I would step up and fix what I could. But because I was just a kid a lot of times I wasn’t allow to fix what I wanted to fix. I once wanted to buy furniture for the kids’ orphanage and create a classroom there, I had no money and nobody listened to me. But the older I got, the less hopeful and more “realistic” I got. I understood that changing the world was a lot harder than I thought. It allow me to accept my realities and stop trying to fix everything. It became exhausting to see my efforts not getting much further. So slowly I stopped. But I don’t want to stop. I want to make the child I was proud. I don’t want to be selfish, trying to fix my life only, I miss the larger purpose. The real purpose. I miss trying to make a difference, even if I don’t. Last year I started volunteering again, but soon stopped when I realized the place wasn’t right for me, but instead of looking for a new place, I stopped completely. I donate my artwork or money here and there, but the child I was would say, shame on me. I have been lucky to have all that I do. I’m by no means rich or well off, but I can do more. I need to do more.
Thanks for reading.